Our teen daughters often don’t share their struggles. Between the busyness of day-to-day life and our often tight-lipped teens, we’re left grasping for a connection. Sometimes we feel like we’re raising a stranger. We think, “How did we get here?” or “We used to be so close.”
I get it. As the mother of teenage girls, I’m trying my damnedest to navigate these teen years. I freely admit there’s plenty about my own girls that I wish I knew better.
Yet every week I work with young girls who open up and share from their hearts. They tell me secrets and fears they’d never confess to their own mothers. In a safe space, surrounded by encouraging peers, their inner thoughts spill out into the light. They begin to feel comfortable sharing what they could never divulge in “real life.”
What they learn from stepping into vulnerability and opening their hearts is that it feels so damn good to share. To get their thoughts and feelings off their chest and out into the open creates the type of deep connection with each other we all crave. They learn they are not alone in their challenges, they bond over their similar struggles and they leave feeling lighter and at peace with all aspects of who they are – the good, the bad and the really hard parts. I cannot help thinking how lucky they are to learn this at such a young age.
Because I’m privileged to work with teen girls, I’ve gained an insider perspective. I get to see the inner workings of these beautiful, courageous, fierce young ladies as they become more self-aware, curious and reflective. I’ve learned much from them and I see myself as their conduit. There’s so much they want and need from us as parents, yet they don’t yet know how to articulate their longings. They face challenges every day that would probably scare the daylights out of us moms, if we only knew. They are afraid of disappointing us, they fear we won’t believe them and they feel pressure to be perfect.
I recently asked a group of high school girls to anonymously write down what they wish their Moms would understand. And here’s what they wrote:
What I wish my Mom would understand…..
“Moms are amazing and we may not always show it but we love you. I think it’s important you know we need you. We need you to lift our spirits and. Make us feel enough. I know you may think you have to be perfect in order to be good parents, but that’s actually the opposite. I need you to care less about my grades, but about my spirit. I wish you would tell me how proud you are of the person I’ve become. Nothing would make me happier than you telling me you are proud of my essence and spirit.”
“I wish that she would understand how I really want to share everything that is going on in my life but I think she would judge me and would think that it was weird.”
“Dear Mom – Just because I don’t talk to you about everything, does not mean I don’t love you. Sometimes people need to deal with stuff on their own. Bugging me to tell you something just makes me not want to tell you more.”
“Dear Mom – I’m not you. I’m not my sister or my brother. I’m not my friend or ‘that GREAT daughter’ of your friend. I am me. Getting compared hurts.”
“Dear Mom – I’m not you. I don’t connect to people the way you do. I not going to be as perfect as my siblings. I’m flawed – I know you don’t expect me to be perfect but sometimes you don’t seem so open to it.”
“I want her to check in with me and ask me how I am when I look sad and not just scold me.”
“I wish that she would understand that I am really trying my hardest and that I am not perfect. I also wish she would understand that I am under so much pressure and stress ALL THE TIME – even if we don’t show it.”
“I wish she’d take the time to know the real me – not just the assumptions on who I am.”
“I wish she could be a cool, less uptight, less uncomfortable mom. Someone who supports mistakes, someone who understands teenagers and what we are going through.”
“Dear Mom – I want to do good in school but it’s hard for me to focus. I am not confident. Sometimes friends can be mean even if I was close to them once. I want to be open but it’s hard for me. I am scared of the unknown, the future, college, friend groups etc”
“Dear Mom – I love you but I wish you understood that I struggle sometimes and can be afraid to talk to you about it. I hope you understand that sometimes the only thing I want from you is your support and trust.”
“Dear Mom – I wish you would understand that in high school, it’s hard to branch out and find a group of people to be friend with.”
“Dear Mom – When I come off bitchy, I love you. I just have low patience and get annoyed easily. I wish I could spend more time with you. It’s hard with so much work. I don’t feel like I’m enough all the time. I’m sorry I lash out.”
“I wish that she would understand that she has not experienced everything and some of my experiences are just unique to me. I want her to understand that there are somethings that I don’t want her input on. I just want to be heard.”
The capacity of these young women to express their self-awareness never ceases to amaze me. Their willingness to look deep inside themselves, share and support each other is truly inspirational.
